Self Care for Sobriety
‘Your self-love is a medicine for the Earth.’
YUNG PUEBLO
This week I’m thinking about drawbridging, about carving out spaces to feel safe and rest, and the importance of nourishing our nervous systems. When the world is weighing heavy, with the news feeds and the atrocities and trying to find that balance to being informed and taking small actions that I can and yet honouring my capacity parenting teens with extra needs, supporting other dear ones and myself with grief, trying to earn a living etc etc.. I love this quote by Yung Pueblo for its compassion and wisdom because it is indeed true that we have to start with ourselves as the solid ground to nourish ourselves as the basis of healthy connection with others and ultimately the world.
Just as birds start to head south for winter or we hurry inside to protect from autumn gusts of wind, this season lends perhaps itself to examining another aspect of our survival responses of Fight, Flight, Fawn, Freeze ( and flop) the one I am thinking of in these changeable, unsteady days is – flight.
The survival response ‘flight’ is, as its name suggests, the urge to flee from threat or an aggressor. Just like the ‘fight’ response, it is fuelled by a whopping injection of adrenaline, which enables us – in the case of ‘flight’ – to run like the clappers. It’s a really important autonomic nervous system gift, which can save our lives. It can also help us disengage from harmful conversations, assess danger and leave toxic relationships behind. As we heal, we are able to more reliably tune in to to our gut instincts and recognise when there is something we really need to flee from as opposed to our bodies triggering this response as a reaction to general life stress.
This survival response is ancient physiology and not an appropriate response to many modern stressors, such as utility bills or the internal critic and things we cannot control. If we are stuck in this flight survival response mode, we live in a state of chronic stress, which has a devastating cumulative impact on our physical and mental health.
Your body undergoes a range of physiological effects when you are in the fight/flight stress response, with each body system affected. Being stuck in this state can also lead to anxiety, obsessive or compulsive tendencies, panic and fear. It can make us restless and tap into perfectionist and workaholic tendencies. It can also impair our ability to form attachments, put down roots and get the nurture we need to be happy and healthy in our lives.
Managing ‘flight’, as with any of the other survival responses, is essential in maintaining sobriety. When we encounter difficulties and this response is triggered, the blood leaves our brain and we cannot make choices in line with long-term goals or approach conflict resolution in a skillful way. This is when we risk turning to old habits to cope – enter the ever-so-appealing glass of red. We need some time on our own to re-group, ground ourselves and let our system settle in the moment. There are many techniques for grounding, but a simple and effective one to remember, adapted from Therapist Aid , uses the five senses as a guide.
A Tool: 5-4-3-2-1 technique – sensory mindfulness for grounding
If you find yourself in flight mode – feeling super stressed, anxious or unable to concentrate – and fleeing is not the appropriate response, try this exercise to ground you and calm your jagged senses. It’s about letting your nervous system come back to the present and anchor yourself in the here and now.
Name the following in your head or out loud, try to notice small details, and really focus in on your senses. Notice which of the senses you spend the most time on; this is an indicator of what tools you might like to add to your toolkit. For instance, you may find the sense of sight soothes you, in which case walking in beautiful scenery may be super healing for you. If you enjoy touch, then warmth, baths, blankets can all go in the toolkit. Maybe sound and music has a greater sensory impact – would noise reducing headphones change your life (like they have for us)?
What are 5 things you can see? Look for small details such as the shadows, the reflections, the colour and depth.
What are 4 things you can feel? Pick up an object and examine its weight, texture, and other physical qualities. Notice the sensation of clothing on your body,
the sun on your skin, or the feeling of the chair you are sitting in.What are 3 things you can hear? What are near and distant sounds?
What are sounds you no longer notice? What are natural or manmade sounds?What are 2 things you can smell? You may also like to take some essential oil here and take a sniff, or look around for something that has a scent, such as a flower or an unlit candle.
What is 1 thing you can taste? Take a sip of your tea or coffee, pop in a snack or some gum and focus your attention closely on the flavours.
By doing the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique we anchor ourselves in the present moment and calm our nervous system.
To complete the whole process and return to equilibrium (from fight/flight/freeze) we also need to find ways to discharge the pent-up stress that caused the trigger in the first place. Our bodies have wanted to move, and in this case run, so naturally movement is an excellent way to do this. So, end the exercise by moving your body.
You could try:
Running, Skipping Team sports (running in a pack)
Allowing yourself to shake physically, the limbs especially
Dynamic yoga , Dance
Automatic Writing , scribbling on a page.
If we can signal to those we love that we need some space – and they can understand this doesn’t mean forever and we might need to have half an hour or a morning to ourselves – we can build trust around our needs mutually. With this communication we foster interdependence and cultivate our feelings of safety and connection. It also means that we manage our overwhelm and are not triggered to drink to try to alleviate stress or any feelings that are leading us to want to flee the situation.
Self-Care
In addition to my books, listed at the bottom there’s a lovely Love Sober podcast about self care with psychologist and author Suzy Reading. We talk about giving ourselves permission, enquiry and I always bring this back to the foundational self-care practice which is for me sobriety. We talked to about outer self care practices and inner work and the all important self-compassion.
https://www.podbean.com/ew/pb-v9dxi-14ce533
As we start to turn inward in the autumn months, we come face to face with ourselves. Things we may have been ignoring successfully by keeping busy and distracted in the summer months may rear their ugly heads and start jostling for our attention. Self-compassion is the care and nurturing we offer ourselves when we come to meet ourselves as we are, warts and all, when we make mistakes, embarrass ourselves, or come short of a goal we were hoping to achieve. It is the acknowledgment of our pain, and the rejection of the notion that we should just tough it out.
Self-compassion is quite possibly the hardest and yet most rewarding and fruitful gift we have to give ourselves in our lives. When is it we start showing up with our best interests at heart? When will we let go and forgive ourselves for the mistakes we have made? When will we treat ourselves with compassion when we perceive we have failed, are inadequate or are struggling?
Self-compassion is a profound practice of self-love. When you can stop hating on yourself for the past, recognize the disconnect and be able to self-parent in order to live with the intention of no self-harm, you won’t put a poison like alcohol in your precious self anymore. It’s cheesy but you are worth it and you have to know you are!
The soothing inner voice in turn helps cultivate an inner which helps the survival response because we are not fleeing from ourselves or a harsh inner critic. Dr Kristin Neff is such a leading light in this work. Her site has brilliant resources:
FOR YOUR JOURNAL
How does the flight stress response show up in my life?
What practice can I adopt to feel grounded?
What strengths has my flight response helped me with in the past?
How can I release the stress to calm my desire to flee?
How can I strengthen my relationship with myself on a regular basis? What kind words can I tell myself right now?
What am I proud of achieving?
What am I sorry that happened to me?
How can I provide myself comfort?
Because I was sober, this week I . . .
You can join the Love Sober Community for cameraderie, support and connection. We have a Whatsapp group for chat and I do monthly meetings with journaling and yoga/ yoga nidra.
I also have three private coaching spaces opening November 2026. You can book a free discovery call here to see if we are a good fit.
Love Kate xx
