Diary of a Grey-Area Drinker: Before We Had the Words for It

I wrote the original version of this article many years ago, before I had heard the term grey-area drinking.

Reading it back now, what strikes me is how hard I was trying to find language for something we understand much better today.

I knew alcohol was a problem for me. I thought about it too much. I made rules about it, broke them, counted units, tried to moderate, stopped, started again and repeatedly sought help.

But my life hadn't fallen apart.

I wasn't drinking every day. I wasn't physically dependent. I had a career, relationships, children and a functioning life. When I asked for help, the questions often seemed designed to establish how bad my drinking was rather than how much my relationship with alcohol was costing me.

I kept arriving at the same bewildering place:

It was bad enough for me, but apparently I wasn't bad enough.

Today, we have much more useful language for this territory. We talk about grey-area drinking, and clinically we understand Alcohol Use Disorder as existing on a spectrum of severity rather than simply dividing people into “alcoholics” and “normal drinkers.”

Back then, I didn't have those words.

What I did have was the growing conviction that we shouldn't have to wait for a rock bottom before we're allowed to question alcohol — or choose sobriety.

So I've kept much of this piece in the voice in which I originally wrote it. It is, in a way, a diary from the grey area before I knew that the grey area had a name.

Waiting in the Wings 2016

This feels like one of the most important blogs I have ever written for myself and it was sparked by another blog I read this week.  One thing the writer mentioned was that her drinking hadn't really accelerated over the years perhaps for the reason she had been blessed by favourable life circumstances. 

This resonated with me so loudly I have not been able to stop thinking about this and how it relates to me. And if this resonates with even one person then I will be glad I put it out there.

My drinking history (potted) is as follows. Started as a teen, covered up all the anxiety and social anxiety. Far too good a fit. Uni , was mostly AF, very moderate, early 20s experimented and did a lot of drinking, lager  which then  became wine, sticky pub floors turned into cocktail bars. But my outsides were no different to any other successful young journo I knew. We were all on the lash. At 25 I went to counselling and told the counsellor I thought I had a drink problem. He asked my how much I drank and I said generally  1/2 bottle of wine a couple of times a week and he laughed me out of the room. 

At 28 after a huge heart-break I hit the bottle to drown my sorrows and then decided to try AA. This period of my life 28- 30 BTW was the heaviest drinking. My regular, not nightly bottles of wine, but more regular than I wanted, did not fit with the old men I found there. The reasons I was drinking might have though. I was 13th stepped (hit on) by someone so I didn't go back anyhow - I stopped drinking for a few weeks and then started again. 

Then, aged 29 I found myself in a flat in Munich, drinking wine on my own one night, and thought ‘This can’t be normal.’ In my early 30s I told a life coach I drank whatever mood I was in.  I was drinking about 2 1/2 bottles of wine a week ( 1/2 a bottle twice a week and Saturday night was often a binge of a bottle and a half - with smoking, loathing and shame) and binged occasionally big time at parties , but actually I was a lot more moderate than my late 20s. My fear I think was based on the faulty off switch.. literally sometimes not there. Thirties continued in this pattern.

At 38 after my son was born this pattern continued. I confessed to my G.P. that I was concerned about my drinking and that drank 2 1/2 bottles of wine a week (still) and she told me that was too much and offered alcohol counselling. At counseling, I was asked did I have DT’s and was I drinking daily, did I have a social worker? They suggested I ‘moderate.’ Eye roll.

At 42 I went to Addaction and said I was concerned about my drinking and that I was drinking about 2 1/2 bottles of wine a week (still ). They asked my if I had DT’s asked the units, asked if I had a social worker and suggested I ‘moderate. ‘ Deep sigh… It wasn’t accelerating, you see. I had hit this plateau, holding pattern. 

All this time I knew I had a problem with alcohol. It’s like,  but it is only now I understand it causes me shame, anxiety and exacerbates the underlying anxiety.  I now know that the fifteen years I was counting units obsessively is called ‘moderating’ ( or attempting too .. that bloody prison), the ‘never again’ conversations with myself, the  bingeing at the weekends, failing to moderate. 

I was in this holding pattern I would say from 30 to 43. It was affecting my mental health.  Not one ‘expert’ asked me about how it felt, what was happening in my head, why even though I had been counting my units for a decade nothing had changed,  and why I was so  concerned. And I couldn't articulate it at the time. They didn't ask why and , I couldn't explain why it had wound itself round situations, moods, feelings, in and out of days, weeks, months, years like bindweed. Too significant. Too central.

They looked at units, intake and asked questions that just seemed to alienate me further because I wasn't that bad.  It was bad enough for me but I was not bad enough to fit into their box. And maybe I would never be.. who knows?  One alcohol counsellor said she would find it highly unlikely I would ever become chemically dependant on alcohol! SO???? Because I wasn't drinking daily, because I was deemed ‘just over’ healthy limits of drinking, it ‘looked’ kind of manageable - I could just tweak it a bit apparently, because I wasn't backing out, because I wasn't missing work. Honest to god , it seems you have to set the bar so low before anyone takes you seriously about alcohol. 

Perhaps this has changed now? Who said, alcohol always gets a free pass? I have said before you literally cannot stumble upon sobriety until all the wheels have come off the wagon. But I was trying to give up all the time. My relationship with myself, my self-trust was being battered all the time because I’d fail to stick to the limits I was imposing upon myself, my relationship with alcohol, the long love affair was fucked… it was bad enough. 

When I read the other this week blog a lightbulb went on. You see I always KNEW I had a problem with alcohol. Knew it just wasn't a good fit. That drug didn't suit me..Doesn’t it sound so ridiculous when you say it like that?  It was like it was there, waiting in the wings to become a fully blown addiction.. but it wasn't yet.. I wasn't drinking daily, or having blackouts generally.. one or two a year perhaps but again it all looked ‘normal’ . I lived with that fear for years. I feel that I have gone by the grace of god to be honest, if something awful or tragic had happened , my problem drinking/ moderating /binge/moderate cycle could have tipped over into full-on dependency and addiction in the classically understood sense. Again, it might not have .. its speculation.. but all I know is that I have been living with the kernel of something for years. 

To be honest if there were no consequences to drinking I’d have liked to be a bit drunk most of the time. It’s just that the circumstances weren't right, thank god. And that I had high standards around other aspects of health which kept me straight, a good job, great friends, a great man despite the chaotic early twenties. I just think had enough tent pegs to keep me from flying away. Also I think it could have been anything.. I’d have liked to be a bit drunk a lot, because I suffer from anxiety and my nervous system seems to be wired in a particular sensitive way to be literally wired and ‘ON’ all the time. So it could have been valium or doughnuts perhaps, I just chose a very easy, acceptable, expected,  widely available, ‘normal’ drug as my medication. 

This is why I am so passionate about talking about a spectrum of dependency , to open this conversation , a wider net to catch those, who like me didn't fit into any care.. not that bad wasn't denial, it was just not bad enough to qualify for support for anyone given the models that I was aware of, to fit the boxes or the check lists… to actually have a conversation with me about sobriety . Whilst I got more and more desperate. 

Also partly it didn't occur to me because of this society in which we normalise problem drinking. I even wrote a feature about this for The Express years back anonymously questioning alcohol’s place in society …. It is  such a misconception and the stereotypes are SO unhelpful to many.

That’s why I hate rock bottom stories in the press, why I love to promote AF living as an amazing life choice because I feel so strongly you should not be that you have to be rock bottom, by yours or anyone else’s definition,  before anyone suggests sobriety to you. You should not have to wait before your ‘life has become unmanageable’  till someone really listens.

I want to challenge alcohol’s central lauded position in society, I want to challenge the stereotypes, the labels - I mean use them if they help you, that’s fine.. but its wider than the accepted labels and I think slowly things are catching up thanks to the anecdotal evidence all over the internet perhaps…? 

I want people to know it’s an addictive drug, I want choice around this, transparency, positive role models so people do not have get into a right state before booting the paint stripper out. For myself, I feel grateful I understand now that life without alcohol is so much better. And I thank Lucy and my fellow vistas for sharing their journeys from the bottom of my heart. 

If you are reading this and think ‘I’m not that bad,’ ask yourself ..Is alcohol costing you more than money, do you feel ashamed of yourself, are you sick of hangovers? Do you just suspect somewhere that this is not just about having fun? Is it in any way impacting negatively on your life? Yes? .Then you qualify for sobriety!!! It’s a fit!  You need it! You do not have to wait till things get awful or worse to choose that path. Don’t wait. Don’t wait for a ‘rock bottom’ to give you the unerring proof - you will find the proof and piece it together on the journey, once you stop drinking.  That gives you the clarity and space to understand it all. Read all you can, get to know the subject, debunk the myths, the stereotypes, use the language that works, explore the blogosphere for approaches that serve you. Get to grips with the fact you may have been neglecting your emotional self care for years. Treat yourself like a child , one step at a time and do it! Please give it a go. 

It’s such a relief to make all these connections now, join the dots, understand my shame response, the people pleasing, understand that if I drank again the supposed best case scenario is going back to ‘moderating’ which was exhausting and demoralising and exactly what I was trying to get away from all those times I sought help. But it’s taken three years to even get to this point!  (Three great years, I hasten to add…)

And now I understand, that waiting in the wings is a far more sinister player, a response to alcohol that never changes. Is that me or is that alcohol? Who cares? Both? It’s a human response to an addictive drug. Chicken and egg. I’m fine without it , just not with it, so my money’s on the drug. And I might not be so lucky in future. Just because I’ve been able to pick it up and put it down in the past doesn’t mean I will be able to again. And even if I could, I choose not to. Sobriety is the safe path and the good friend. And alcohol is the enemy. Let’s not pretend otherwise. Let’s not forget. 

What I Understand Now

Ten years on, we know so much more.

We know more about habit change and dopamine; about the relationship between alcohol, stress and the nervous system; about perimenopause and menopause; about neurodivergence and trauma. We have a much richer understanding of why some of us might reach for alcohol in the first place — and why changing our relationship with it can be about so much more than simply learning to exercise more willpower.

The sober-positive movement has changed the landscape too. Here in the UK, our pubs are stocking genuinely good alcohol-free alternatives. Choosing not to drink is increasingly something people talk about openly and with pride. Sobriety doesn't have to be a punishment reserved for people who have reached some terrible rock bottom. It can be a positive, empowered choice.

And, crucially, we have language.

The popularisation of terms such as grey-area drinking and sober curiosity has helped so many of us step outside the old binary of “normal drinker” or “alcoholic.”

That binary kept me stuck for years.

I knew something wasn't right, but I couldn't find myself in the descriptions of alcohol problems I encountered. I wasn't drinking every day. My life hadn't fallen apart. From the outside, I was functioning.

But inside, alcohol had become far too important.

I was counting units, making rules, breaking rules, stopping, starting, moderating, thinking about drinking and thinking about not drinking. I was repeatedly asking for help while simultaneously wondering whether I was entitled to ask for it.

What I understand now is that the amount I drank was only part of the story. My relationship with what I drank mattered more than any measurement in mls.

Today, Alcohol Use Disorder is understood clinically as existing across a spectrum of severity. And outside clinical settings, grey-area drinking has given us another way of talking about that vast territory where alcohol may be costing us something — our sleep, our peace of mind, our self-trust, our mental health, our energy, our presence — without our lives necessarily looking like a stereotypical picture of addiction.

I think that's what I was trying to articulate when I wrote this all those years ago.

I didn't need someone to tell me whether I was bad enough.

I needed someone to ask:

What is alcohol costing you?

How much space is it taking up in your head?

How do you feel about yourself when you drink?

What happens when you try to control it?

And what might become possible if you didn't have to do this anymore?

Perhaps most importantly, I understand now something I was only beginning to glimpse then:

You don't have to wait for a rock bottom to choose sobriety.

You are allowed to get off wherever you want.

I offer 1:1 Coaching for women in midlife who want to change their relationship with alcohol.